Towards any good run, it’s easy to forget why you started. To focus on satisfying your needs instead of the needs of your team. Of your congregation. Of your fans.
Maybe the thought is, “I deserve it”? I deserve to be a part of this team still. I deserve to speak about my fears. I deserve to write a TV finale that’s fun for me.
It’s the real legends and leaders and visionaries, though, that refuse the easy choice. That never forget where they came from. Or who got them where they are. Or why they started in the first place.
Towards the end, do you have the courage to do what’s not easy?
Dear Lenny Gale,
Thank you for taking the entire week to criticize celebrities for endorsing products that are marketed as stuff that makes us feel good now. America is a free country. We have the freedoms to buy whatever makes us feel good now. Not in the long run. Now.
So go ahead, you righteous fuck. Juxtapose yourself with Larry the Cable Guy, Beyoncé, Michael Phelps and Erin Andrews. I know what’s coming.
You want to tell us that how great Vitamix is and how it can actually make us feel good. Ugh!
You know what, Lenny Gale? You can take your Vitamix 7500 and shove it up your ass. I don’t care that it helps me reduce heart burn, improve digestive health, stay refreshed and prepare easy, healthy and quick meals.
In America, we’re about feeling good now. Not after a couple weeks of making juices. Or smoothies. Or soup. We want to feel good now. Now!
Just leave America alone.
Dear Erin Andrews,
Thank you for being a role model for thousands of young women. You’re hard-working, smart and successful. Not to mention, you were extraordinarily resilient in overcoming a horrifying, very public incident.
You’re a true inspiration.
P.S. Why do you recommend TruBiotics? When I had an excision of a thrombosed external hemorrhoid, my surgeon, Dr. Isaac Felemovicius, M.D. FACS FASCRS, Adjunct Associate Professor of Surgery, University of Minnesota, gave me some advice. He said I might want to consider a fiber supplement. A powder one, like Metamucil. Not pills. According to Dr. Issac, as he’s known, pills marketed for digestive health do more harm than good and are just another thing drug companies want you to take one-a-day forever. Yes, forever.
Aren’t TruBiotics taken in pill form, Erin?
Dear Michael Phelps,
Thank you for recommending Subway sandwiches. I’ve always wanted to be a swimmer. Just like you. Before eating Subway sandwiches, I’d try to swim but would just sink like a rock. Now, after eating Subway sandwiches like you, I float with ease.
The Men of Amurica
P.S. Any recommendation for ridding all this belly fat I recently took on?
Thank you for recommending Pepsi to me. While it dehydrates me, makes my hungry and erodes my insides, I love the way I feel when I drink it. Beautiful, rich and famous. Just like you.
All the best,
Women of Amurica,
P.S. Can you recommend a treatment for heartburn?
Dear Larry the Cable Guy,
Thank you for recommending Prilosec. All my family and friends can continue to enjoy a steady diet of highly acidic foods while our bodies warning system (heart burn) is put on mute.
P.S. Any recommendations for a brand of insulin?
Random access memory (RAM) is computer jargon. It layman terms, it means desk space. The more RAM you have, the more desk space you have. More room for files, notes and programs.
Put too much stuff on your proverbial desk, your computer craps out. Freezes. Blue-screens. Or just becomes devastatingly slow.
The human brain works the same way: Limited desk space for files, notes and programs. The difference is that you can’t go to Best Buy and buy more RAM.
Just gotta close some programs.
Humiliation is a big motivator.
An airplane pilot makes the wrong decision. All to avoid being humiliated by his co-pilot.
The pro athlete who keeps cheating. All to avoid being humiliated by his fans.
The world leader who carries out a threat. All to avoid being humiliated by other world leaders.
When is it not better to just admit you were wrong?
It’s just so hard.
You know. Do your thing. Whatever makes you happy.
Princess Di helped the less fortunate. It made her happy.
John Lennon wrote music for his fans. It made him happy.
Mike Winston publicly fought ALS, inspiring thousands. It made him happy.
Simply choosing to “do you” should make you happy. But if “doing you” is actually “doing for others”, you get more than just happy.
You get to live forever.