Tag Archives: america

Hello, Irene

Big drug dealers have a simple strategy.  Sell a highly addictive, high-margin, readily available product in mass to low-income neighborhoods.  Example: Frank Lucas, heroin, and Harlem, NY. He claimed to earn $1 million dollars per day.

Big Food has a simple strategy, too.  Sell a highly addictive, high-margin, readily available product in mass to low-income neighborhoods.  Example: Irene Rosenfeld of Mondelēz (formally Kraft Foods), Oreo Cookies, and Mobile, Alabama.  She makes $28 million dollars per year.

That we perceive the former at any differently than the latter makes me want to do drugs.

Good thing there’s a 7-11 across the street.

Lenny James Gale

Dear Lenny Gale,

Thank you for taking the entire week to criticize celebrities for endorsing products that are marketed as stuff that makes us feel good now.  America is a free country.  We have the freedoms to buy whatever makes us feel good now.  Not in the long run.  Now.

So go ahead, you righteous fuck.  Juxtapose yourself with Larry the Cable Guy, Beyoncé, Michael Phelps and Erin Andrews.  I know what’s coming.

You want to tell us that how great Vitamix is and how it can actually make us feel good.  Ugh!

You know what, Lenny Gale?  You can take your Vitamix 7500 and shove it up your ass.  I don’t care that it helps me reduce heart burn, improve digestive health, stay refreshed and prepare easy, healthy and quick meals.

In America, we’re about feeling good now. Not after a couple weeks of making juices.  Or smoothies.  Or soup.  We want to feel good now.  Now!

Just leave America alone.

Disdainfully yours,

America

Michael Fred Phelps II

Dear Michael Phelps,

Thank you for recommending Subway sandwiches.  I’ve always wanted to be a swimmer.  Just like you.  Before eating Subway sandwiches, I’d try to swim but would just sink like a rock.  Now, after eating Subway sandwiches like you, I float with ease.

Thanks again,

The Men of Amurica

P.S. Any recommendation for ridding all this belly fat I recently took on?