Dear Lenny Gale,

Thank you for taking the entire week to criticize celebrities for endorsing products that are marketed as stuff that makes us feel good now.  America is a free country.  We have the freedoms to buy whatever makes us feel good now.  Not in the long run.  Now.

So go ahead, you righteous fuck.  Juxtapose yourself with Larry the Cable Guy, Beyoncé, Michael Phelps and Erin Andrews.  I know what’s coming.

You want to tell us that how great Vitamix is and how it can actually make us feel good.  Ugh!

You know what, Lenny Gale?  You can take your Vitamix 7500 and shove it up your ass.  I don’t care that it helps me reduce heart burn, improve digestive health, stay refreshed and prepare easy, healthy and quick meals.

In America, we’re about feeling good now. Not after a couple weeks of making juices.  Or smoothies.  Or soup.  We want to feel good now.  Now!

Just leave America alone.

Disdainfully yours,

America